Body Talk Basics Blog

DIY Mom & Daughter Hidden Journal

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I remember a number of times growing up when I wanted to talk to my mom about something that was on my mind, but didn’t know how or when to say it.

Sometimes I wanted her to know something, but I wasn’t ready to have a whole conversation about it.

In thinking back on this dynamic, I dreamed up a solution that my younger self would have loved.

I present to you: the Mom & Daughter Hidden Journal.

This is a private journal just between the two of you. It’s a space where your daughter can be totally honest about what is on her mind.

Having an open line of communication with your daughter, especially as she approaches or goes through her teen years, is invaluable. You never know what your daughter has been waiting to tell you!

Here’s everything you need to know about making one with your own daughter.

open journal on a countertop with mug of tea, cookies, and slippers

1. Pick Your Journal

It doesn’t have to be fancy! Any journal or notebook will do. However, it could be a great mom-daughter activity to pick out or decorate your journal together.

2. Create Your Communication Codes

Communication codes tell the other person how you’d like them to respond to whatever you shared in the journal. You can create a list of possible responses and put it on the first page of the journal to refer back to.

After writing a message down, simply write a communication code on the top or bottom of the page.

Specifying how you want the other person to respond is a huge part of what makes this journal so powerful. The option to share without an immediate follow-up conversation can be the difference in some girls sharing or keeping things to themselves.

Here’s an example of the kinds of codes you could create…

  1. Can we find a private time to talk about this?
  2. I just wanted you to know!
  3. I’m not ready to talk in person about this, but I wanted you to be aware.
  4. I’ll let you know when I want to talk more about this.
  5. I would love to get your thoughts in writing.
  6. I would love to get your thoughts in person.

3. Agree on a Hiding Spot

You’ve picked out your perfect journal, you’ve decided on your list of communication codes (or at least discussed options for different ways to react to what is shared in the journal), and now it’s time to choose your hiding spots!

You’ll need three spots:

  • one where you can leave it for your daughter to read
  • one where your daughter can leave it for you to read
  • one shared spot where the journal is available for either of you to write in

For the first two spots, make sure you select a place that you check regularly so you don’t miss any important communication. My recommendation? Under each other’s pillows! That way you’re almost guaranteed not to miss it.

Ways to Use (and Not Use) the Journal

  • DO – Give your daughter a boost
    Maybe your daughter did something thoughtful or helpful or admirable that day and you want to point it out. Or maybe you just want to write a few sentences about something you love about your daughter. Words of encouragement can go a long way in keeping communication flowing! Speaking of which…
  • DON’T – Use the journal to criticize or teach lessons
    Obviously you can do whatever you feel is best, but the purpose of the journal is to increase open communication and give girls an opportunity to share what is on their mind more easily. If they feel like the journal is just another way to get a “talking to,” they might be more resistant to using the journal at all.
  • DO – Invite her on a mom-daughter date
    Use the journal to plan a fun mom and daughter activity. Maybe it’s a trip to a local ice cream shop, an evening where she gets to stay up late with you and watch a movie or show, or an afternoon where she gets to show you some of her favorite music. Planning it in “secret” just makes it more fun!
  • DON’T – Lose her trust
    When you’re setting up your journal together, it might be helpful to have a conversation about confidentiality. Some girls avoid talking to their moms about many things (including starting their periods – this is one I’ve heard over and over again) because they are afraid she will tell other family members or her friends. Assuring your daughter that what she shares in the journal won’t be passed on to others might be just what she needs to open up.

What Moms are Saying

One of the most common bits of feedback I’ve heard from moms who start a hidden journal with their daughter is something along the lines of, “I thought my daughter was just a private person, but she is so much more open in writing!”

Here’s one mom’s experience…

“I started this with both of my daughters and it has been incredible! I’m getting a glimpse of their inner workings that I didn’t even know existed! One daughter in particularly clearly communicates well through writing and she has been so open and vulnerable through the journal. We’ve often struggled because we don’t ‘understand’ each other…but she just needed a different way to express herself! I’m so grateful to provide a different type of safe space for her to share and work through things. It’s completely changed the way that both of my daughters and I relate to each other…in all areas of life. I have a new softness for challenging times with my girls because I have better communication with them and a better understanding of what they’re going through. I feel a deepening connection with both of them as we head into teen years. Thank you so much!” – Meghan

Download My Free Hidden Journal Template

I designed a journal template you can print from home. It comes with instructions for two at-home binding methods as well so you can get started right away!

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